We’re all guilty of it- slapdash, haphazard emails riddled with the kind of typos that make you groan the moment you hit the ‘send’ button. Amongst friends, it can be anything from mildly to ridiculously amusing. When the boss thinks you covet not only his desk chair but the derriere that graces it, not so much. Then again, you’re not trying to run a takeaway business.
But what if you were? Accuracy with the menu would surely hold top priority….Surely?! ‘Deep fried in a bell shape’ might be a gloriously ambiguous description, but it doesn’t have me snatching up the phone and drooling an order to my local. Nor does the prospect of contracting a touch of ‘apsicum’- the kind of affliction befitting the definition ‘yellow pulse and chilly’. Perhaps you could treat that with a judicious ‘tinge of coconut milk’.
If you’re ‘less adventurous of spice’, abstain from the ‘chicken devilled sizzling with bone’, or anything advertised as ‘topped with gunpowder’. Speaking of chooks, skip the ‘peli peli’ chicken, too- it might have a ‘delicated spicy sauce’ but it’s definitely ‘not for the light hearted’. So only go for this one if you’re in a black mood. Oh, and as your printed menu advises in friendly tones, ‘mind you, it’s very hot, so don’t blame the chef!’
Apparently, lots of ‘cuuries’ are flavoured with ‘frish green chillies like it hot’. Some even warn of nefarious scams- ‘made with whole con coriander bulb’. Those ‘moist sauces’ are best sopped up with ‘pillow rice’, which comes into its own if you can’t be faffed to head up to bed after dinner. If you’re lucky, it might come ‘garnished with almond flake’. Just the one.
Some errors are rather more ‘subtail’, as are the items described. Take, for instance, the ‘popular dish in with vegetables using the minimum flavour with fried and green’. No, me neither. Perhaps ‘lamb romanced with tomatoes and onions’ is a more whimsical choice, but, as a fish lover, I’m swayed by ‘watering boneless chunks of salmon’. Or, if I want to advance the onset of my coronary, a ‘butter-filled’ king prawn.
Unintelligible descriptions are undeniably ‘excotic’. Even adding, in the case of a duck masala, a ‘quacky twist to a national favourite’. As you’d expect, this makes for an ‘extra ordinary’ dish. As does achieving a ‘unique test’ (presumably performed using ‘contemporary spices’- in order to ‘flavour some dish’). It could even be ‘marinated in chef’s special tangy’ before being ‘coated in butter and deep fried’.
Or, sticking with the same cooking technique, you might encounter ‘dip fried rings’, which are only ever ‘cooked in season, butter’; have a dish ‘topped with faied garlic’; eat ‘deep fried basin flour coated with the day’s special’; or sample stressed-out, ‘tried discs of obergine’. But rest assured- they’ll all, no doubt, only have been ‘fried to give the extra munch’.
In Chinese cuisine, we’re all familiar with those ‘stir-fired’ dishes invariably ‘cooked in a souk’. Poor said souk might be suffering with that common complaint, ‘baby corns, which are often ‘sauteed with springs’, tossed with ‘rice glass noodles’ and ‘served on a sizzier’. Ouch. Let’s hope they’ve gone easy on the ‘magic mushrooms’- which might have you seeing a ‘wiping tiger’ or ‘jewels of chicken wrapped in panda leaves’.
You could choose a different cooking medium- something ‘backed in a deep circle oven spread with butter’, perhaps, after being ‘beaten with curry paste’ and dressed with ‘vine grate and pikles’. ‘Friashly cooked’ it may be, but it could also hail ‘from the land of back waters’. A ‘vegie surprise’ indeed- let’s hope it’s a nice one. Those ‘chic peas’ have high standards, dontcha know. If you offend them, they might give you a swift kick in the ‘ball peppers’.
Things can get a little fruity- and I’m not just talking lovely ‘mellons’, ‘fresh mongo’ or ‘lamb-cooked fresh fruit’. Pop a bit of ‘Buble and squeak’ on the stereo and revel in the bawdy world of ‘well-hung yogurt’, and watch as ‘he rubs spices’ and ‘strip(s) pieces of chicken brest’. Who needs 50 Shades? Luckily, that ‘sauce cultured yogurt’ will be along to raise the tone in a jiffy- perhaps calling for ‘Lassie’ to make things a bit more family-friendly.
Having a penchant for Indian ‘cusine’, I often thought ‘fenugreek, leave’, was an instruction levelled at me when I entered a room on a hot day. Turns out it’s an ingredient. As are ‘Basmothi rice’ and ‘plumb tomatoes’, dished up by a ‘pro serving natural taste’. But- spelling, grammar and syntax aside- I’m never, ever ordering ‘curry with Worcester sauce and mayonnaise’. That’s just wrong. No, mine’s ‘two piexces of spicy hot made with lamb in an arid sour sauce.’ Makes perfect sense to me.